Saturday, May 6, 2017

Political jokes part 7



1.
A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."


2.

Q: Why was there so much confusion with the Secret Service after George W. Bush took over the White House?A: President Bill Clinton’s code name was "Mr. Bush."


3.

Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo?"A: He was studying foreign languages.


4.


Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.




5.


Q: What’s it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?A: Bestiality




6.

Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!” He’s tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, “Five!” She’s disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won’t come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts. Bill answers her, “Five!” No sale. About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, “See what you get for five dollars!”





7.

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:"What’s your problem, Soldier?""Chronic syphilis, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What’s your ambition?""To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man." says the Major.He goes to the next bed. "What’s your problem, Soldier?""Chronic piles, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What’s your ambition?""To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man." says the Major.He goes to the next bed. "What’s your problem, Soldier?""Chronic gum disease, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What’s your ambition?""To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"




8.

What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?He got bombed.



9.

1. Inflatable dart board.2. Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.3. A book on how to read.4. Solar-powered flashlight.5. Screen door on a submarine.



10.
Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? They were riverdancing.





11.
Stats 

– A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second – Ten babies are conceived around the world every second – Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of falling pregnant – Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed – All polar bears are left-handed – If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was nicked by a Polar bear



12.
They say that if you have an infinite number of monkeys typing at an infinite number of keyboards for an infinite period of time, you will get the collected works of Shakespeare. If you get the source code to Microsoft Windows, you need to add more monkeys.




13.
How many ears does Spock have? Three: One on the right, one on the left, and the final “front ear.”




14.
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, “Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?”



15.

What goes a hundred miles an hour around the desert? An Ethiopian with a free voucher at McDonald’s!


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