Friday, May 5, 2017

More jokes about animal 2



##A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet? " asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is ", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency? "
"Well, sort of ", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it? " There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone "
"Really? " said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them? "
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME! "



##A skunk family had two little skunks they called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he'd continue searching for a while. Half an hour later he returned home, with a tired In following behind him. 'However did you find him?' asked Father Skunk.'In-stinct,' replied Out.
  


##A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about? "The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other. "



##A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep.  Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me. " He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there? " "YES, YES, YES!! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didn't! "


##A new lieutenant in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship? "The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels. "The lieutenant is disgusted, but says nothing. After a few weeks, however, the new officer is very lonely. He decides that if everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't he. The next friday, the young lieutenant slinks over to the camel pens and, after looking around, drops his pants and starts humping a female camel. The camel is not amused and makes a huge uproar. The same corporal comes in to investigate. "Lieutenant! What are you doing. "
"Come on man," replied the embarrassed officer, "You yourself told me we could use the camels on Fridays. "
"Yes sir," replied the corporal. "But most of us just ride them into town. "


##A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn. "The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. "Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer. "Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you?10,000 for the horse. "Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours. "While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse? "

"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life. "
 
 

 

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