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Saturday, May 6, 2017

Some mini exiting stories

CaptainA navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged.” They fight off the pirates eventually.The very next day, the Captain is alerted that 50 pirate ships are coming towards their boat. He yells, “Get me my brown pants!”

Christmas GiftAway down South, an old custom dictates that if someone comes up to you on Christmas Day and says ""Christmas gift"" before y'all do, why y'all are obliged to give that person a present. Mind you, the custom does not say what sort of present y'all should give! But those of us who hail from the South consider ourselves to be gentlefolk. The gifts given and received in this manner are good enough to keep the custom alive and well.Now, this is not to say that this custom does not have its drawbacks. Why, the Devil himself got a hold of the eastern coast of Florida in this manner! The Devil, being a canny fellow, knew that God was walking about Florida one Christmas Day, so he hid himself behind a stump. When the Lord came strolling by, the Devil jumped out real fast and said: ""Christmas gift!"" And the Lord, being as fine a Southern gentleman as you could meet, held up to his end of the custom and told the Devil, ""You can have the east coast,"" and continued his stroll. So now the Devil plays hurricane games with the east coast of Florida whenever it pleases him.

Clever kidsA police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.

Connecticut YankeeNow, here in the South, we all do not approve of your so-called Connecticut Yankee peddlers. So when one appeared in the yard of my tavern, I was not of a mind to give him room for the night.He was a scrawny fellow with a mop of white hair and a withered face. He did not seem like a crafty Yankee peddler. He looked more like a grandfather on his last legs. Surely this Connecticut Yankee had no harm in him!Curiosity being my downfall, as my wife would be the first to tell you, I was keen to see a real Yankee trick. So I told him that he might have lodgings for the night if he would play a Yankee trick before he left. Well, he promised me the trick, but said he was tired and went directly to bed.The next morning, everything went wrong. My yard boy never showed up. I was forced to care for the horses myself while my wife cooked breakfast. When I finally got inside, my wife was leaning over a table full of the peddler's wares. She was fingering a coverlet which matched the ones we had upstairs. The peddler named a ridiculously low price and my wife nodded eagerly. Just then one of our other customers called me to his table to pay his bill, so I did not see the peddler finalize the sale. It was only after the peddler had called for his buggy, paid for his room, and begun to drive away that I suddenly remembered his promise.""Peddler!"" I called. ""What about the Yankee trick your promised? I did not see any trick!""""You will,"" he said, whipping up his horse.Just then, my wife stuck her head out from one of the rooms upstairs.""Harry!"" she cried. ""That sneaky Yankee just sold me the cover from off his bed!""

Cowboys in HeavenAfter cow punching for nigh on fifty years, a Texas cowboy went on to his reward. There was considerable excitement in heaven when he reached the pearly gates. The arrival of a real Texan cowboy was considered something of an event in heaven. Saint Peter himself came right over and insisted on giving the cowpoke a tour. Things were right friendly-like until the cowboy spotted half-a-dozen cowpokes staked out like broncos.""Why are all those men staked out?"" he asked Saint Peter.Saint Peter replied: ""Those are cowboys from the Panhandle. Every time we let them loose, they try to go back to Texas!""

CupboardRosie Hall buys a self-assembly, flat-pack, cupboard from her local Homebase store.  Reaching home Rosie reads the instructions carefully, counts the pieces then assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really great and she is delighted.Now, Rosie lives near a railway line and as the train passes by the cupboard collapses.  Undaunted by this misfortune she re-reads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard.  Once more, another train passes and the whole cupboard collapses again.Rosie now frustrated and thinking that she must have done something ""wrong"" re-re-reads the instructions and re-re-assembles the cupboard.  Shortly, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses yet again for the 3rd time.Rosie is now fed up, cross and rather angry so she 'phones the customer service department.  She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a fitter to take a look. The fitter arrives and assembles the cupboard.  Again, a train passes and the cupboard collapses.  Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the fitter decides to reassemble the cupboard and sit inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.  At this point, Rosie's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says, 'Oh, that's a splendid looking cupboard,' and he opens it to look inside.The fitter, who had been wondering how to explain his position in Rosie's bedroom cupboard, blurts out, 'You probably won't believe me, but I'm standing here waiting for a train.'

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