Saturday, May 6, 2017

3 funny stories

1.
5p CoinMy sister, Paula, and her husband, Chris, had just finished tucking their young ones into bed one evening when they heard crying coming from the children's room.
 Rushing in, they found Tommy crying hysterically.He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind. Trying to calm him, Chris palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.  Tommy, naturally, was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'

2.
Adventure On the RogueWe were up-river with a tour group looking at all the natural beauties here on the Rogue River when I spied a young sasquatch hiding in the shadow of a tree near a gravel bank. I swung the tour-boat around so we could get a better look, and all the tourists exclaimed and took pictures. It’s not too unusual to see a sasquatch in the spring. That’s the time they migrate through here to their summer stomping grounds up North.We were in for a treat today. The sasquatch jumped out of the shadows suddenly, leapt into the river, and wrestled a seven-foot sturgeon onto the gravel bank. I blinked in astonishment. I didn’t know sasquatch liked sturgeon.  As we watched, the sasquatch belted the big fish with a rock to stop its flopping.Right at that moment, a big black bear came stomping down the bank on the opposite shore looking for a snack. The bear took one look at the sasquatch with the sturgeon, sitting on the opposite shore, and leapt into the water. In the blink of an eye, that ol’ bear was across the river and wading out of the water, while the tourists babbled and took pictures. The bear shook itself dry like a dog, and then jumped onto the back of the sasquatch, beating on him until he ran away from the sturgeon, leaving the bear to sniff in triumph over the large fish.Well, I thought that was the end of it, until the sasquatch came running back down the hill holding a dead tree in his hands. He started beating on the bear and the bear was whomping back at him something fierce. Fur was flying everywhere; blood spurted out like a geyser. I don’t know where it would have ended if I hadn’t waded in there and broke it up!


3.
Aircrew of the MonthThis next yarn reminds of my former classmate Pete.  At school, Pete was always in the top 2/3 in our class, but once he left school, he never could settle in a job.  He landed a job as a bus driver, but his denouement came when he took a detour and drove the bus to his home.  Pete, got out, went in, left the passengers on the bus, had a cup of tea and drove on half an hour later.  When the bus company discovered his antics, his supervisor dismissed him on the spot.  The Airline flight attendant in this next tale is going the same way as Pete.From a Stingem employee....' Welcome aboard Stingem Flight XXX to YYY.' We are pleased to have some of the best pilots in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!'Then he progressed to the famous ' Fasten Seatbelt Routine' .  What he said was: 'To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love the more.After the plane landed, he said: 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants'His final announcement was: 'Thank you for flying Stingem Airlines. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.'

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