Sunday, May 7, 2017

Nerd jokes collection 1

1.
Professor Sokolsky was lecturing his Atomic physics class. He asked, “If molecules can be split into atoms and the atoms split into electrons, can the electrons be broken down any further?” A pupil replied, “I’m not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked ‘fragile’.”



2.
What was the astronaut doing on the computer? Looking for the space bar.


3.
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, “Where did you get such a nice bike?” The second nerd replied, “Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want!’” The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”





4.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.





5.
You know you’re a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone numbers!





6.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, ’I think I’ve lost an electron.’ The other says ’Are you sure?’ The first says, ’Yes, I’m positive.’!




7.
An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, he said, “Of course not!” But then why do you keep it? “Well,” he said, “it works whether you believe in it or not.” The story is actually told about a non-economist, Danish Nobel prize winner Niels Bohr.




8.
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs…the tallest ones, anyway.



9.
 What do you get when you talk to a nerd? His lunch money.



10.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? It’s ’cause he didn’t have the guts!



11.
At a party for functions, x is at the bar looking despondent. The barman says, “Why don’t you go and integrate?” To which x replies, “It wouldn’t make any difference.”



12.
 How do prisoners call each other? On their cell phones.



13.

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” If your family sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If Dilbert is your hero If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car




15.
You Might Be a Computer Nerd You might be a computer nerd if you can’t get up in the middle of the night to go use the bathroom without checking your email!



16.
What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.



17.
You Know You’re Addicted to the Net When 1) All of your friends have @ in their names 2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem 3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed. 4) You laugh at people with 56K modems. 5) You start tilting your head to smile :-) 6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box 7) You find yourself typing com after every period 8) You start introducing your self as ‘Jon@internet.com’




18.
 Q: What’s the difference between nerdy co-eds and blonde co-eds?  A: Nerdy co-eds blow the curve. blondes blow the professor.





19.
 A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.



20.
Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!



21.
They just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.



22.
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip? To get to the other… eh? Hang on…



23.
 There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.




24.
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”




25.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg, “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?” and Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am!” Confused, the officer says, “Sir, you were doing 80 mph,” and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs, “Great, now I don’t know where I am anymore!”The policeman thinks something is going on and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot. He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrödinger and says, “Sir, did you know there’s a dead cat in here?!” Schrödinger rolls his eyes and snorts, “Yeah, we do now!”




26.
 Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender says “Do you all want something to drink?”The first logician says “I don’t know.”The second logician says “I don’t know.”The third logician says “Yes.”



27.
 A weed scientist goes into a shop….Scientist: “Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of 3-phosphoshikimate-carboxyvinyl transferase?Shopkeeper: “You mean Roundup?”Scientist: “Yeah, that’s it. I can never remember that dang name.”




28.
How do you tell if an Engineer is an extrovert?She looks at your shoes when she’s talking to you.


29.
 $ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.$ If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.$ He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.$ He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.$ He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.$ This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.Amazing isn’t it?  However...$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.$$$ Game over.  Nerd wins.




30.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?Ask them to pronounce unionized. 



Continue to nerd jokes collection 2 

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