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Monday, May 1, 2017

Animal jokes 4




##A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, "How many pounds? " The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,"Anything else? " The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many? " The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops. The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's are ally smart dog you have there. "
"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied. "This is the second time this week he forgot his key. "

##A double whammy:Why do elephants paint their testicles red? So they can hide in cherry trees. What's the loudest noise in the jungle? A Monkey eating cherries.


##A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. We have only canned and dry goods. "The next day, the duck returns. "Got any fresh fruit? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh vegetables? "
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor. "On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails? "
"No. "
"Got any fresh fruit? "
##A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

##A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes? " The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes? " Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''"

##A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. They sat down and were about to start when
Father Tortoise said, "I think it's going to rain. Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella? "
So off went junior for
Father's umbrella, but three days later he still hadn't returned.
"I think, dear," said Mother Tortoise to Father Tortoise, "that we had better eat junior's ice cream before it melts. "
And a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go. "

##A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows! "



##A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like? " the fish says holding his neck,
"Water "."

##A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field. Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up and no one is there. He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all about? "

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