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Wednesday, May 3, 2017

More short Jokes

1. Being an astronaut is funny. It's the only job where you get fired before you start work.

2. I love pressing F5. It is so refreshing.

3. An infinite crowd of mathematicians enter a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second one orders half a pint, the third one orders a quarter pint. The bartender says, "I understand," and pours two pints.

4. An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed she was raped. When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a contractor. When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job."

5. Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush.

6. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.

7. Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!

8. Why is christmas just like the day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

9. While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them. “Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle, “we just use it to keep the doctors away.” 

10. What can a goose do that a duck can't, but a lawyer should? Shove its bill up its ass!

11. What is the difference between a waitress who works in a strip club and an actual stripper? About two weeks.

12. Employe: "I bet you $6,000 i can piss in your cup 30 meters away."
Boss: "Ok I would like to see you try."
Employe: As he moves on pissing all over the floor loosing $6,000 not caring.
Boss: "Ha you just lost $6,000."
Secratary: "God damnit!"
Boss: "Whats wrong?"
Secratary: "He bet me $200,000 he could piss allover your floor and you would be happy about it!"

13.. A dentist told a mother, "I'm sorry madam, but I'll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy's tooth." The mother exclaimed, "A $100! You said it was only $20!" "Yes," replied the dentist, "but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!"

14. If an accountant's spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.

15. Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

16. How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert. He stares at YOUR shoes while he talks to you.

17. We've been reading in the papers lately about terrible cruelty someone is causing to our winged friends by the shore, as many Pelicans have been found with their beaks cut off. Police suspect a local bill collector is behind it all.

18. Do you know what happens if you piss of a pilot? He takes off.
They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but lawyers can find you anywhere.

19 . What did the fireman name his two sons? Jose and Jose B.

20. What do you call an honest businessman? Asif.

21. Why was the civil engineer's relationship so unstable? Because there was no truss left!

22. Why can't designated hitters bake pancakes? They also forget the batter.

23. What do you call a bench full of white people? The NBA! 

24. If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.  

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