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Friday, May 5, 2017

Some more jokes

##A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

##A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house? " "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but i'll need to see more. " "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River. " A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "That's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog. " "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune. " "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist. "

##A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: "So, why the long face? "

##A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: "Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted. "

##A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only knowhow to say one thing. " "What do they say? " the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? " "That's obscene! " the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed. " He thought a minute and then said, "You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time. " "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution. " The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? "There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered! "

##A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside? "

"Yeah, I do! " a biker says, standing up. "What about it? "
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him... "
"What are you talkin' about?! " the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler? "
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat! "

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never been able to catch one. "

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