Saturday, May 6, 2017

Political jokes part 5

1.
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy." "Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!" The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?" A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!" The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn’t anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?" A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!" "Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?" "Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"


2.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish. That’s three wishes total," saidthe genie. The Canadian said, "I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. George W. Bush, said, "I’m very curious, please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 15, 000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it’s virtually impenetrable." George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."



3.

What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.’s Q. What did George W Bush get on his S.  A.  T.  ’s? A. Drool.


4.
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, "There’s one thing I want you to know. There’s a box under my bed, and I don’t want you to look in it until I die." Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her, and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash. When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you." Hillary said, "Well, that’s not bad after all these years, and you being a politician, and traveling and all." She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?" Bill replied, "That’s for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in."



5.
1. I be God. Don' be dissin me. 2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib. 3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play dat. 4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee. 5. Don' dis ya mama... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don dis him neither. 6. Don' ice ya bros. 7. Stick to ya own woman. 8. Don' be liftin no goods. 9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies. 10. Don' be eyein' ya homie’s crib, ride, or nothin.



6.

Proof That Jesus Was Jewish:1. He went into his father’s business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God. Proof That Jesus Was Irish:1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. Proof That Jesus Was Puerto Rican:1. His first name was Jesus. 2. He was bilingual. 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities. Proof That Jesus Was Italian:1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades. Proof that Jesus Was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion and finallyProof that Jesus Was Black:1. He called everybody brother. 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.



7.
My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.



8.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.



9.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.



10.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.



11.
One day some fisherman caught tons of fish called tench. The fisherman couldn'’t eat them all so they gave them to the Mayor of the town. The Mayor wasn'’t sure what to do with them. Then he had an idea; he would have a fish-eating competition.When they had the competition, there were two finalists: a man from a place called Fife, whose name was Mr. Hicks; and a man that was from Sweden, whose name is Sven.So they had the final; the Mayor fired the starting pistol and they started eating the tench. No sooner had Mr. Hicks bitten the fish than one of his teeth fell out. He couldn'’t eat because of this so he stopped, but the Mayor refused to stop the competition. So Sven kept on eating and ended up eating nine of these tench fish. The next day the headlines read: ONE TOOTH FREE FOR FIFE HICKS, SVEN ATE NINE TENCH!



12.

Democracy is three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.



13.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.




14.
Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.




15.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

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