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Sunday, May 7, 2017

Nerd jokes collection 2

1.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third orders a quarter of a beer. Before the next one can order, the bartender says, “You’re all assholes,” and pours two beers.


2.
99 little bugs in the code99 bugs in the codePatch one down, compile it around117 bugs in the code



3.
A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That’s no hydroxyl ion; that’s my wife!"



4.
A computer programmer is told by his wife, "Go to the supermarket and pick up two loaves of bread. If they have eggs, get twelve." He comes back with twelve loaves of bread.



5.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...Two men and a woman.For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"The man said, "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came outwith tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can’t kill my wife."The agent said, "You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."





6.
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.Dear Bubba:I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.Love, DadA few days later, he received a letter from his son.Dear Dad:For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.Love, BubbaAt 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.Dear Dad:Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do under the circumstances.Love, Bubba





7.
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don’t realize it.2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.7. Put M&M’s on layaway.8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won’t you people just leave me alone?"




8.
 Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"Student: "Meat!"Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"Student: "Bacon!"Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"Student: "Homework!"



9.
 Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.




10.
10 Facts About You: 1. You're reading this now. 2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact. 4. You didn’t notice I skipped number 3. 5. You're checking now. 6. You're smiling. 7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid. 9. You didn’t realize I skipped number 8. 10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again. 11. You're enjoying this. 12. You didn’t realize I said 10 facts not 12.





11.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.




12.
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Six."Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven!"Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"




13.
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."





14.
 A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."




15.
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number. 



Continue to nerd jokes collection 3 

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