Thursday, May 4, 2017

3 big jokes





##After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day.
The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird " and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table! "Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf! "Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow! " said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will! " So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey! " she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird! "The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot! "



##Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. 
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days? " If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good. " "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this.... " "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. " "I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. " "Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall. " Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her? " "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....! "



##Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
 After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, here turned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed. "Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered. "Why that's simply outrageous! " she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here? "
"Raise porcupines, Ma'am. "
 

 


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