Monday, May 1, 2017

Animal jokes 9



##A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him. " So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. "Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down " "Just because he's cross-eyed? " says the man. "No, because he's heavy," says the vet."

##A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in? " the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone! " and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for? "


##A man was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However he was not prepared to pay the high prices, and after having failed to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes man, I'll go and kill my own "croc!," to which the shopkeeper replied, "by all means, just watch out for those two "ole boys " who are doing the same! ". So the man went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. 'They must be the 'ole boys' he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The guy stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow the him, he struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already laying Together the two guys threw the gator onto its back, where-upon one exclaimed "Darn! This one doesn't have any shoes either! "."
  

##A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage! " The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes! " The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles. Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses. "


##A new lieutenant in the French Foreign Legion arrives at an isolated base in Algeria. As a corporal shows him is quarters, he asks the corporal, "The base is rather isolated, what do the men do for female companionship? "The corporal replies, "On Fridays, they let us use the camels. "The lieutenant can't believe it. On Friday, he stands around the camel pen to see what happens. Suddenly, he hears the camp bugler blow a charge on his horn. The ensuing chaos was amazing... men from all over the camp descended on the camel pens like huns attacking a village. Out of the swarm of men, the lieutenant sees the same corporal he met on his first day. He grabs the man by the arm. The corporal shouts, "Let me go! Let me go! "
"Good God man," said the lieutenant. "There are 200 men here and 500 camels. What's your hurry? "The corporal replied, "I don't want to get stuck with an ugly one! "

##A vampire bat came flapping in from a night of foraging, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep.  Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me. " He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Do you see that tree over there? " "YES, YES, YES!! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Well I didn't! "
 
 

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