Saturday, May 6, 2017

Political jokes part 3

1.
Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn’t swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your night in Hell?" "Very educational," responded the Pope. "I've learned a lot from the experience, but now I’m glad I’m going to Heaven. I've been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary." "Ooh, sorry," said Clinton, "you should have been there yesterday."


2.
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky." There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"



3.
Q: What do you call a guy with a blue penis?A: A tight-fisted wanker.



4.
Hillary Clinton has finally announced she will be running for President. Yes, finally. She says this is a great step forward for all women... who happen to be married to a former president.



5.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?  A: Senator.



6.
Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn’t understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it’s mustard."



7.
The recession is getting so bad, the bank sent me a new type of credit card. It was pre-declined.



8.
Two men both drag their right feet as they walk.As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."


9.
Congress does some strange things. They put a high tax on liquor and then raises the other taxes that drive people to drink.




10.
I was playing UNO with a bunch of Mexicans, and they were cheating because they kept stealing all the green cards.




11.
Q: What’s the difference between 9/11 and a cow?  A: You can’t milk a cow for over 10 years.




12.
What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.




13.
How do you stop a taliban tank ?Shoot the Guy Pushing it




14.
How do you stop a taliban tank ?Shoot the Guy Pushing it




15.
Since I couldn? t find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush. Part A ? Either Candidate Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says? .. a. Iran b. Iraq c. North Korea d. Afghanistan e. Sudan f. Libya g. Axis of Evil h. Gay Marriage i. United Nations j. Tax Cuts Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says? ? a. Saddam Hussein b. Osama Bin Ladden c. Al Qaeda d. September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center e. WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction f. Homeland Security g. Nuclear Proliferation h. If either candidate doesn?  t answer the question given to them i. If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light) Part B ? George W. Bush Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If George W. Bush says? .. a. Uhhh? .. b. If George Bush stutters c. Florida d. Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq e. Tony Blair f. Dick Cheney g. Terrorist or Terrorism Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush? ? a. Miss-pronounces ? nuclear? b. Mentions a John Kerry ? Flip Flop? c. Mentions anything else about John Kerry? s voting record d. Says ? War on Terra? e. Says ? Evil-Doers? f. Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks g. Commits a ? Bushism? ? meaning he says something that doesn? t make any sense Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush a. Chokes on a pretzel Part C ? John Kerry Have a small drink or a gulp of beer If John Kerry says? .. a. [Any Number] Billion Dollars b. Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry c. Four More Years d. Anything about the economy e. No Child Left Behind f. Last Resort g. Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq h. John Edwards Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry? ? a. Mentions ? Mission Accomplished? b. Mentions anything about Vietnam c. Mentions anything about Purple Hearts d. Mentions anything about George W. Bush? s service in the National Guard e. Mentions anything about Bush administration ? misjudgments? f. Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration

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