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Monday, May 8, 2017

Fun with woman part 1

1.
George: Sam u wanna hear a jokeSam: sureGeorge: Womens Rights



2.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard. As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.  This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my goodness! Am I driving?"



3.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine, will never be able to support you.



4.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.



5.
 I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don’t like to interrupt her.





6.
 A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women’s husband’s funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10,  000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes", said the widow."I don’t understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $10,  000?"  "Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow."I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone."Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"




7.
Element Name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don’t even go there!  )Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.  Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.  Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.  Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.



8.
 How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man one told me ...."





9.
 What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down? Kick her in the butt!




10.
8. What do you mean today’s our anniversary? 7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big! 5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being 'just friends' 4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small? 3. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there. 2. I don’t care if it’s on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.1. Hey, pull my finger!




11.
Why do you call a womens monthly pain a period?Because Mad Cow Disease was taken





12.
Marriage was invented because it’s only so much fun to cheat at cards.




13.
3 women went out drinking, and decided to have a contest of who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together. The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."The second woman said, "I blew chunks."The third woman said, "I burned down my house." After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won," and the second woman said, "You don’t understand, Chunks is my dog."




14.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."The woman did as she was told."Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. . Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.




15.
There is a man who goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night. So one night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home. The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face. He just looks at her and says, ''You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!  '''


Continue to fun with woman part 2 

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