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Monday, May 1, 2017

Animal jokes 10

##A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about? "The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other. "

##A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stop sat the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal. " "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream. "

##A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet? " asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is ", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency? "
"Well, sort of ", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it? " There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone "
"Really? " said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them? "
"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME! "

##A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk. " The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying? " asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this? "
"Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened? "The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking? " asked the officer. "Yes. "
"What else? "The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana? "
"Yes. "
"What else? "The monkey motioned "Screwing. "
"They were screwing, too? " asked the astounded officer. "Yes. " "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked. "
"Yes. "
"What were you doing during all this? "
"Driving " motioned the monkey."

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