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Saturday, May 6, 2017

Political jokes part 6

1.
What do you get when you order a 'Hillary Clinton' at KFC?Two breasts and a left wing.


2.
I don’t approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected



3.
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.



4.
Politics is just show business for ugly people.



5.
Did you know their making a movie about the Grand Forks Flood?It’s called, 'A River Runs Over It.'



6.
Why are most politicans in the closet or gay? Because they can only mandate.




7.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."



8.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



9.
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'"Just cats," he thought.He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'"Just dogs," he thought.As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''



10.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!


11
 Q: Why does the queen carry a scepter? A: Because everyone works 'cept her.


12.
Q: Why does the queen carry a scepter? A: Because everyone works 'cept her. 


13.
Q: What is the chance that a Mexican gets across the border? A: Juan in a million.



14.
Q: What is Bill Clinton’s favorite card game?A: Poker.



15.
The NSA: a government organization that actually listens to you!



16.
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned.""What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible.""When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest."I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.""Is that when you swore?""No, Father." Said the man."After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again."Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!""Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest."No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of fore
 st near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.""Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest."No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.""You missed the f**king putt, didn’t you?" sighed the Priest.



17.
What’s black, white, red, blue, green, yellow, purple, orange, and super easy for anyone to do? Michelle McGee, Jesse James' mistress.



18.
Jean Claude Van Dam, Steven Segal, and Arnold Schwarzenagger all decide to go out trick-or-treating as musical composers for Halloween. They go into a costume store and look for masks. Jean Claude sees a costume that he likes and says, "I think I’ll go as Beethoven." Steven Segal sees a costume that grabs his attention and says, "I’ll be Mozart." Arnold had a tough time finding a costume that he liked, but he eventually found one that appeased his interest. He picks up a costume and said, "I’ll be Bach."




19.Your mother is classless she could be a Marxist utopia.




20.
 Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President. 86% of those responding said, ''Not again.''

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