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Monday, May 1, 2017

jokes part 2

##A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. Mother: "What does the cow say? "Child: "Moo! "Mother: "Great! What does the cat say? "Child: "Meow. "Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say? " And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud. "

##A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. "Get a load of her " said the mouse, "what a babe! " "Well, why not try your luck? " replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, "What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right? " The mouse replied, "Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it! " "But how come you look like you're so exhausted? " asked the lion. "Well " said the mouse, "between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles! "

##A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me " he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there? " he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes! " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good " said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't! "

##A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you! " "who's there? " The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora " said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora " said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus ", said the parrot."

##A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he said. "And you can have him for five dollars. " The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal. "Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times. "

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