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Saturday, May 6, 2017

political jokes part 1

political jokes part 1

1.
Q: Why did President Obama get two terms?  A: Because every black man gets a longer sentence.


2.
Dear Mr. Starr:The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.Apologies,The FBI


3.
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?



4.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason.


5.
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?""I’m from Ireland.""Me too! I’ll drink to that."They both finish their pints and order two more."Where in Ireland are you from?""Dublin.""Me too! I’ll drink to that."They both finish their pints and order two more."Where in Dublin are you from?""The East Side.""The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I’ll drink to that!"They both finish their pints and order two more."Where on the East Side are you from?""McDonagh Street.""Me too! This is incredible! I’ll drink to that."As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That’s amazing! I can’t believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What’s going on?""Oh, it’s nothing amazing," says the bartender."It’s just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."



6.
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.



7.
Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal?  A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.



8.
When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, "Not again."



9.
Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner."Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don’t I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert’s chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about anti-matter which the chauffeur couldn’t answer"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I’ll let my chauffeur answer it!"



10.
Q: Why is England the wettest country?  A: Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

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