Friday, May 5, 2017

Some more short stories

##A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin' for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!"

##A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole! " So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up. " And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks."

##A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk. " The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying? " asked the officer. 
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this? "
"Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened? "The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. "They were drinking? " asked the officer. "Yes. "
"What else? "The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana? "
"Yes. "
"What else? "The monkey motioned "Screwing. "
"They were screwing, too? " asked the astounded officer. "Yes. " "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked. "
"Yes. "
"What were you doing during all this? "
"Driving " motioned the monkey."

## A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something. "The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around. "
##A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows! "

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