Friday, May 5, 2017

Some more jokes




##A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed! "
"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book. "


##A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in? " the man shouted "NO why don't you all understand I want to be alone! " and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for? "





##A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country. One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage! " The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes! " The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn't get passed the two bigger moles. Finally giving up, he said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses. "
 


##A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you! " "who's there? " The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber asked. "Cocodora " said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora " said the robber. "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus ", said the parrot."
 




##A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt? "she asks. She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written! "
 

##A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi

Mr. Lion! " The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit? " The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion? " The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes "."
 




##A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree. He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet? " "Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there. "
 



##A preacher is buying a parrot. "Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear? " asked the preacher. "Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him. "Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm. "
"Wonderful! " says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings? "
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! " screeched the parrot."
 



##A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on? " she yells out the window. "Cow on the track! " replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again? "
 

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